Am I too late?
It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"
Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.
Ever feel stupid? Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity. Here they are.
Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people. Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful. What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window.
Really?
Yeah. Been there. Done that.
Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial. Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no. FAIL.
That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.
Check please on MY "Failure to communicate".
What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did. As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on. I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me. There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough. Memories don't exactly die hard. You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore. They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation. And that is the truth.
As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me. Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this." I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not. Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.
This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts. It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.
Am I too late to right what has been wronged?
If not...Lord show me how.
2 comments:
Thick is a hard word. It's what I attribute to a 'Crabbe&Goyle-like Complex' which, by the way, you do NOT possess.
Your outspokenness is one of your best traits. Something I’m working on at the moment is allowing others to help me. I’m a snob when it comes to my emotions; I keep them in a jar where no one can see how things affect me - bad habit. But in learning to allow others to encourage me I realize that I never say anything perfect for every situation or every need – and so it is with friends. Know that every word you’ve spoken to me I have taken with a grateful heart. The fact that you stand by me and are a physical presence in a moment of need is the best comfort I could ever receive. Like the saying goes, 'share the good news, if necessary use words.' I definitely need to learn from that.
Don’t be a blueberry, but shine like the Son.
:)
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