As my family and closest friends know, I am THE "World's Worst" when it comes to saying things out loud-i.e. putting some of my most desperate and heartfelt feelings into literal vocal tones.  I myself find this incredibly ironic because I am a loud outgoing individual.  In order to affectively communicate what I'm feeling I sometimes have to write it down.  Thank goodness for pen, paper and oh yeah...blogs.


I won't be spilling my guts, that's not exactly wise via World Wide Web. 

I do however, want to communicate my growing frustration...

Two major things going on within the entire being of "Me" right now. 

One...there is a part of me that feels like it has been brainwashed.  For so many years I grew up thinking that there was only one way to believe in God.  There was only one church to attend, one set of leaders to trust and there was only one community to be apart of.  It's all I ever knew until I went away to college.  At college, God revealed more to me about himself and the calling I have as a believer in Him.  Everything He taught me was astounding, and I was thrilled that there is so much more!! Even though I am overjoyed with the sensation of learning more about this God I serve, I cannot shake the memory and mindset I was taught. 

I don't say "hate" often, but I hate this way of thinking that has been ingrained in me for so long.  I desire nothing more than to be free of the mindset I was brought up with.  I want to put behind what I knew and start this new adventure but something keeps holding me back.  The most frightening part is, I don't know what's holding me back.  I've tried to "shake the dust off my feet" as the Apostle Paul would say, but the dust still lingers....WHY?  I understand it takes time to change.  But I do not like this feeling of being lost and afraid...and right now I feel very much so.  I don't which scares me more, knowing that I may very well have been programmed a certain way for many years OR the fact that I can't shake the robotic response...

Two...How do you know if you are the one who is meant to pave the way for something?  I realize I'm not giving specifics, but, how do you know? What implications or signs are given that you are "the chosen one" per say (that sounds so cheesy I know, I'm a fantasy buff so deal with it)? How can you possibly even have the slightest inkling you need to leap forward and take a stand? How do you know it's you God is calling and not someone else? Where do you look to connect the dots as to what God might be saying? Where do you find discernment?  And how do I use it without a robotic response?

With everything going on in this brain, I can't help but feel like Neo when he woke up for the first time in the real world.  Everything was so different, so boggling, so confusing, and so frightening.  

So that's my ramble for today.  More merrier topics will follow later.