4:11am
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I turn my light on an jot something down. I wrote this one last night.
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Watch and Remember
Last night, chills similar to those I got in another time and place ran through my body as I watched this. In a way, time stood still for about 3 minutes.
I am seeing this opening day at *12:01am!
*12:01am is what most opening/premiere night tickets have written on them, hence the specific time. ;)
Tired
I'm tired right now. Tired on the inside.
Ever had one of those things, be it a church, school subject, social circle or even work ethic that just doesn't work for you? You want nothing more than to "shake the dust off your feet" and move on, but you realize you can't leave because it's the only thing you know of? If you leave, you're denying yourself something that's vital for your life. The only option is to stay, and give whatever it is you have another try. Years go by and you eventually lose count of the chances you've given with no change whatsoever.
I've done this for so long with one particular area in my life (I hesitate to say which at the moment, maybe I will reveal this in another post.). I am sick and tired of going to back to something I know does.not.work. Unfortunately, I don't know where to go or turn for something better. Giving more chances to something I know discourages me more than builds me up is something I refuse to do. It's wearing down on my soul and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm stuck, and I just want to be free to leave one particular area behind so I can discover new wonderful God could have in store for me.
This feeling of weariness, helplessness and discouragement got to me today, and I couldn't express myself any other way than by crying. In fact, I can't think of any other way to express how I feel. I'm a very visual person, so maybe these pictures will give you an idea of how I feel.
Simply Deep
I saw the following movie today...
And it was an amazing piece of brilliance! Why? Keep reading for an explanation.
I could explain the plot via pictures and my own words but before you read further, check out the trailer...
Ok, now that you get the basic idea of the story, I can give you my take on it. Like I said before, it was brilliant! Not only did I appreciate the representation of "steampunk" throughout the movie...oh, what's "steampunk" you might ask? I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure how to explain it. The main component of anything "steampunk" though involves machines, and in particular early industrial machines. Clocks and their works are almost always present in a "steampunk" theme. My best advice for knowing more about "steampunk" is to Google it.
Alrighty, back to Hugo. The film itself is beautiful. I personally love movies that are set in eras ranging from the 1920's-50's. They contain an old Hollywood glamour that is so often lost in most modern day movies. Everything from the colors, costumes, sets, and props was just fantastic.
While the film itself was beautiful, even more so was the simplicity and joys of life displayed in the film.
Christmas Adventure's Prologue
While I am a hard working college/theatre major student whose brain is getting ready to go into a crash course of RESTANDRECOOPERATION, I refuse to just sit around and let this blog kind of...well...die.
Hence why I am going to document some Christmas Adventures that I am determined to have over this lovely Winter Break! And I AM going to have them!
Here's some kick starter events that took place today (or for those of you who are all into the correct wording...Here's my freaking Prologue.)
1.) Flight delayed an hour and twenty minutes, so me and my friend wandered around town for an extra 45-hour doing absolutely nothing. Ok, we listened to music, drank coffee, and grabbed some almonds at a store, BUT nonetheless it was very nice indeed not having to rush to the airport. :)
2.) Losing my headphones and having the joy of spending $24 on a new pair at the airport. Now I always buy the same brand of headphones (which the airport just happened to have), and they usually cost $15, so I was surprised by the price-i-ness. I later discovered why they were so expensive. They have a built in voice detector/music control on the wires. For a geek/techie, this is an awesome thing! I'm really going to enjoy these headphones! =D
3.) Trying to look somewhat dignified and not really embarrassed walking through the airport carrying my duffle bag WITH my dad. Oh, don't get me wrong. My dad behaved himself, as most father's do with their daughters ;), but my bag turned out to be so heavy, even HE couldn't carry it by himself. I usually pack all my stuff in two massive army duffle bags. I only bring ONE home for Christmas break. The first thing my dad says as we are carrying this thing to the car is "Man, I hope we don't take someone out with this thing!" I have no clue if people saw us, but I'm sure it was a royal trip! ;)
4.) Walking in the door and seeing my house totally decked out for Christmas and smelling the awesome **hors' de vours my mother had prepared for dinner. Actually one of the best sights in the world to a college student is a fridge and pantry stocked to the hilt full of goodies, especially CHRISTMAS goodies! =D
5.) Finding my sister's Lighstaber on my desk in my room. *Wiggles eyebrows up and down and grins* Merry Christmas to me!!! *Insert Lightsaber noise here*
Ok...maybe this wasn't quite the Prologue you were expecting, but hey, I am no C.S. Lewis, Tolkien or the person who wrote "Twas the Night Before Christmas"...Heck, I don't think I'm even a Dr. Seuss.
Anyway, you get the idea! This is just merely a taste of some of the wonderfulness and giggles that greet me when I arrive home for Christmas! =D
Now for a confession..............................
I am a hard working college student/theatre major, I must therefore crash (though I shall not burn) and sleep for at least two days before more Christmas Adventures can begin.
Having said that, I am on my way to some R+R.
Love to all!!
**That word is an attempt at me trying to spell OR-DERVES the French way. I took French last year and it was a not so great attempt at me trying to "expand my horizons while at college". And in case you are wondering, YES I passed the course...I did NOT however say with flying colors. ;)
Real Life Adventure
I am hopeless romantic. Not in the sense that I'm the typical "Snow White, Cinderella Wannabe" who's waiting for Prince Charming. No. My romantic mind has always been and will be drawn to the magical, beautiful and glorious world of Fantasy.
When I was about ten or eleven, my dad read The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien aloud to me. It was the first time I had encountered a real fantasy realm, one with a deep historical background so tangible, it was hard to believe that it wasn't real. Like any other kid, I proceeded to read The Lord of the Rings, after finishing The Hobbit.
This one story, The Lord of the Rings, has defined my life in so many ways. To list all of them would be almost impossible, because this story touches my life on a multitude of levels. Naturally, I have good memories associated with the books, the movies and soundtracks, memories which no dark cloud could ever cover. The memories are but a small factor in comparison to what makes the story real.
What's real to me is the adventure...the trials...the dark forces at work...the heroes rising from unlikely places...the struggles of relationships...the fears and doubts...the betrayals...the lies...the truths...the beginning...and the end.
For as long as I can remember I have been searching for Middle Earth, or a world like it. I've looked for a bridge, maybe even something like a Wardrobe, that could possibly connect my world to another. I've gone looking for adventure, be it in my head, heart or even on the streets, and at school. I've tried to find a problem to fix, in which I might be the key or hero and solve everything. Even though no battles with swords, horses and arrows exists, I still looked for them. So many times I strained my ears to hear that "still small voice" telling me of my destiny or what I should do in dark moment. I've taken various trinkets in my hands and hoped they held some secret, magical power that would change my life. For years, I searched, and searched for a Samwise...but never found them...
I was a hopeless adventurer with no world meant for adventure. For so long, I threw myself into a myriad of fantasy books because they were what I believed was real. The worlds I read about, the people, the struggles, were real, they were just hiding, and I needed to find them. Of course, like I said before, I looked, but never found them. The reason I never found them, wasn't because they didn't exist...It was because I was just looking in all the wrong places.
The adventure world doesn't lie in a book hidden away somewhere in a dusty library, it lies here in this world. The battles, small voices, the fears and doubts, the callings they all exist! They just look different. I can say this because recently, I have found those, well, for lack of a better phrase "fantastical moments" . They totally took me by surprise and came in a form I least expected. Seriously. I'll try and tell you some of them.
Last week a couple of friends were supposed to pick me up from the airport. While I was waiting at the curb I heard the following words inside my head "YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR YOUR FRIEND'S SAFETY." I did a double take, but without questioning, I prayed for my friend's safety. As I waited out in the cold, rainy weather, I got the feeling that something was out of place, or that something was going to happen. Two minutes later, I got a text from one of my friends saying they had been "slightly delayed" and would be there soon. I don't know exactly how, but when I read the words "slightly delayed", I translated it as "something happened with the car." After looking out at the weather again and seeing the rain, something deep inside me said "there's been a car accident". Of course I asked myself..."My friends?" Without even an answer, I knew that it was my friends. Five minutes later my phone buzzed. It was one of my friends. They had been in a car accident.
The still small voice exists. LISTEN FOR IT.
I faced a fear this week. It's not a fear like "I'm going to jump off a bridge." To some it would appear small, but it was big thing for me. I fear getting hurt, and I also fear being on the outside of things and hearing the word "No." I had to make a choice this week in which I could walk into a situation where the outcome would be the answer "no". I wrestled with this for quite sometime. Would it be better to not go into battle and remain safe from a distance, or should I participate and try once again knowing that the outcome could be very well the thing I fear most. Aesop once said "It is hard to be brave some a safe distance." So I decided to enter the field, and see what happened. To say the outcome was a dissapointment would not be truthful. I didn't hear the word "yes" in fact, I heard "no". One thing is for sure though, I walked into battle strong, and confident and even with the outcome I LEFT stronger and more confident. I proved to myself that the word "no" has no power over me and just because one person may say it, it doesn't define who I am, or what I will do with my life.
I drew my sword and fought back a monster threatening to drive me back into the pit of darkness. I stood my ground and the beast coward in fear, not me.
One last thing...I found a Samwise. If you've read The Lord of the Rings, then you know that sentence doesn't need any kind of explanation or elaboration. That's just how amazing the character of Samwise Gamgee really is.
The adventure is REAL!! It doesn't look like fantasy novel, but if you slow down just for one moment and turn to look for it in a different direction...you will find it.
A Warmed Heart
As I currently sit on my lovely, soft warm bed surrounded by my two huge wolf stuffies (yes, I still sleep with stuffed animals), soothing music, I breathe out a happy sigh.
I find it interesting that even when you have a hard day, things ALWAYS look up, no matter how dark the situation may be. My day didn't start off so great. We are currently in the middle of tech for our One Acts Festival, of which I play the dual role of Director and Lighting Designer for two. Everything went smoothly for both my techs. The road leading to that smoothness had a quite a few bumps though. I mean what road doesn't right? Needless to say, there were moments where I didn't know what the heck I was going to do about a few things, but in the end, a solution presented itself.
Well...actually, the Father presented a solution. It was one of those moments I really thought I was not going to make it. Anxiety, sadness, fear, all the typical emotions gripped my mind and heart for a brief time, until I surrendered everything to the only One who provides a rescue. :) What a relief it was to know that, although hidden at the present time, a solution was on the horizon. Twenty minutes later, the sun rose, the choir sang and all was well. :)
From there everything went skyward. And now I am just thinking about some of the lovely, wonderful blessings that currently warm my heart. Here are some examples.
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Beautiful music reminding me that I am watched over constantly by a protective pair of eyes...
Recorded laughs and giggles from silly mishaps and awkward statements...
Cuddly stuffed animals...
Warm chocolately, pepperminty Christmas drinks from my favorite local coffee shop...
The smell of the Holidays...
Encouragement notes from a dear friend...
Pumpkin Spice muffins...
Boarding passes for a flight home...
The anticipation a family gathering...
Finding a really cool Kappa Delta Epsilon coin in the parking lot...
A favorite movie trailer...
Warm clothes fresh out of the dryer...
Hiding in the corners of Barnes and Noble and reading aloud childhood stories with a best friend...
Hugs and kisses from a beloved...
Saying "I love you" to someone you hold near and dear....and hearing it in return...
Am I too late?
It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"
Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.
Ever feel stupid? Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity. Here they are.
Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people. Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful. What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window.
Really?
Yeah. Been there. Done that.
Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial. Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no. FAIL.
That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.
Check please on MY "Failure to communicate".
What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did. As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on. I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me. There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough. Memories don't exactly die hard. You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore. They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation. And that is the truth.
As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me. Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this." I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not. Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.
This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts. It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.
Am I too late to right what has been wronged?
If not...Lord show me how.
Free Your Mind
Boundaries. Contraints. Limits.
These are words that should NEVER be in an artist's vocabulary. In some respects, it would be a heinous crime for an artist to use such language. Art represents the ingenious beauty of the Creator of Creators. To inherit the talent to create art is a Gift not to be taken lightly. In your hands lies a power not everyone can comprehend or understand.
As an artist, you are...
given the ability to portray human emotion at it's most beautiful and raw form...
able to see beyond the surface of humanity and explore the depths...
creating a universal language that the heart speaks...
allowed to break all boundaries and push limits...
born with the talent to represent and recreate the mind of the Artists of Artists...
With such a Gift in your hands, I hope and pray you do not squander away what you have. Be you an actor, poet, visual artist, musician, novelist, sculpture, dramatist, designer, singer, dancer...the list goes on...Use the talent you have. Never stifle it or let it be constrained by what the world says is "acceptable". Who cares what is "acceptable"?
Free your mind. Be yourself. Create.
I found this song by Vitas, a vocal artist with an incredible falsetto! I love this song and music video. It reminds me of that freedom that artists find when they are discovering, exploring and creating. There is such a freedom in that process. This is what artistic freedom sounds like to me.
Forgiven
I'm so grateful for the forgiveness of others, and especially God...I'm forever grateful that I have received it, even when I didn't deserve it.
To all who have forgiven me, thank you.
Forgive me now 'cause I have been unfaithful
Don't ask me why 'cause I don't know
So many times I've tried but was unable
This heart belongs to You alone
Now I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven
All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven
Forgive me I'm ashamed, I've loved another
I can't explain 'cause I don't know
No one can take Your place and there is no other
Forever Yours and Yours alone
Now I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven
All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven
I get down on my knees
Feel Your love wash over me
There will never be another
You're the only one forever
And You know, I'm Yours alone
I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven
All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven
You have forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven
-Forgiven; Skillet
If Wizards could text
For those of you who have ready Harry Potter (and are Potter nerds like myself) try and imagine this: A Wizard Duel that takes place via text message. I know it sounds crazy, but apparently it has happened. Oh yes. The following conversation is an actual documentation of a wizard battle that took place via text message.
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