Guess who had an idea around 1:45am and HAD to write it down? Yup. Gotta love after Midnight creativity.   ;)
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For almost two days now I've been carrying around a piece of regular notebook paper in my pocket.  It's folded multiple times and is starting to fray because it's rubbed up against my pants.  I've come this close to crumpling it *makes small gesture with hand*.  Why? Or better yet, why DON'T I?

Answer?  It's got words on it.  I wrote them. Some how I think the words are important.  They are important to me even though they are nothing but a desperate ramble of what was on my heart two nights ago.

Will I ever say the words out loud? Let me put it this way, the reason I wrote them was because I couldn't find the courage and strength to say them aloud in the first place. I want to though, say them out loud that is, very much.

The paper is sitting on my nightstand, and will be in my pocket all week long.  Unless of course, I absent mindedly leave it at home.  Then I will have to say the words for myself, and not what's on that piece of paper.

Time for another late night ramble by yours truly.

Something has been misplaced.  Where it went is not the question, the real question is : What the heck went missing?

All day, my persona on the inside feels like forgot to put on a vital piece of clothing.  Everything seems in tact, and I definitely have not forgotten anything...but something isn't there.  I can't place my finger on what exactly "it" is.  I don't know if it's a tangible item such as a book or person, or even something deeper like a feeling or state of mind.  Whatever it is though, it's gone.

And it's driving me crazy.

I'm having trouble thinking and, to a small degree, performing basic functions without it.  Simple tasks and obstacles now appear to be mountains instead of little bumps in the road.  That's just an example.

The more questions I ask, the less answers I find.

Worst thing about all of this is that  I have a sinking suspicion that I am the reason this thing is missing.  I.E. I...
1.) Drove it away.
2.) Made a bad choice that maimed it, and it had to leave in order to recover.
3.) Removed it myself without even knowing.

Confused.Missing.Uncomfortable.Worried.Afraid.Lost.

I hope I find it.

It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"


Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.  


Ever feel stupid?  Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity.  Here they are. 


Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people.  Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful.  What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window. 


Really? 


Yeah. Been there. Done that. 


Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial.  Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no.  FAIL.  


That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.  


Check please on MY "Failure to communicate". 




What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did.  As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on.  I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me.  There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough.  Memories don't exactly die hard.  You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore.  They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation.  And that is the truth. 


As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me.  Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this."  I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not.  Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.   

This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts.  It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.

Am I too late to right what has been wronged?

If not...Lord show me how.