I am about to make myself very clear on a few things, and I need to get them off my chest cuz they are bugging me.  No, I'm not hating on anyone, it's just frustrating.  Tell me what you think, I'd be interested to know.

Ok here we go.

First of all, I cannot understand why people insist in continuing an abusive friendship.  Seriously! I have observed this recently where one person constantly bully's the other and I cannot help but wonder why this person lets themselves be bossed around by a peer.  To put this in more understandable terms, think of an extreme Laurel and Hardy or Abbot and Costello.  Does that make more sense?

Now in my mind, it's natural to think "But I love them, and I consider them a friend and they don't mean it."  My response to that is "If they didn't mean it, then why do they say it ALL THE TIME.  Why do they constantly push you around? If you really consider them a friend, then you would not let your self be put down by them as often as you do.  If they treat you like this, chances are they treat others that way too.  It would appear you are doing both yourself and your 'friend' a disservice."  That's just what I think though.  I personally do not care for "coarse jesting" (hopefully I'm not butchering that phrase).  In my opinion, I find it disheartening and demeaning.  Friends joke with each other on a certain level, but when you keep doing it over and over again, it can be too much.  Again, this frustrates me because I am currently observing this happen with someone else.  I cannot step in and say what I think, but there are days I wish I could.

Second, I'm finding it difficult to watch others get opportunities and chances that I wanted so badly.  It's kind of like the phrase "playing second fiddle".  Please don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life with many great things going for me.  There are however a few instances where I hoped something would happen and it didn't.  I got the "second fiddle" position.  The only way I can say this is...

I'm tired of watching others play.
I may say "It doesn't matter or hurt."
It does hurt more than I care to admit.
And I'd like it to end please.

........Wow....french fries and a chocolate shake sounds really good right now.  Then again, so does a nap.

Ironically after I finished writing this, 10 minutes later, I am watching Survivor and I can't help but think....IRONIC. AND HILARIOUS. ;)

It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"


Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.  


Ever feel stupid?  Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity.  Here they are. 


Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people.  Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful.  What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window. 


Really? 


Yeah. Been there. Done that. 


Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial.  Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no.  FAIL.  


That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.  


Check please on MY "Failure to communicate". 




What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did.  As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on.  I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me.  There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough.  Memories don't exactly die hard.  You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore.  They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation.  And that is the truth. 


As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me.  Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this."  I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not.  Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.   

This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts.  It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.

Am I too late to right what has been wronged?

If not...Lord show me how.