The Artistic Underground: weight

Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts

Posted by Amy G. In: bound, conversations, guilt, hurt, weight

I Hurt, Because You Hurt

My brain is being very active right now. So enjoy it :)
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She’s late. And that’s not like her. Well, in most cases it’s not. Although for some reason, I’m not surprised she’s late, especially after that text last night. “Can we talk tomorrow? Please?” “Yes. Of course. You ok?” “I’ll be fine.”

If you want to really worry your friends, then send them a vague text such as “I’ll be fine.” You can imagine how well I slept that night. My friend doesn’t have any problems...well, big one’s that is. I mean there are a few things here and there, but who doesn’t have them? I have my little things that I have to deal with every now and then, so it’s nothing new. Still, I was worried.

We decided to meet at the park, it’s a nice generic place where hopefully we won’t run into anyone we know. Something tells me we will want to be alone for this conversation. I arrive at 3:47pm. I’m early and that’s rare for me. I usually show up five minutes before meet time. Since I’m early, I decide to sit on the bench swing and wait. 4:00pm rolls around and I’m watching for her. Any minute now she should be strolling around the corner. 4:05pm, still no show. At 4:10pm I pull out my phone to see if she texted or called me. Nope, no new messages. 4:20pm...again no show. 4:26pm...Now I’m getting concerned. I’m about to call when I see her round the corner of the park.

She’s walking slowly, almost in a shuffle and her head’s down. Huh, that’s funny. That girl’s usually got a swagger. It’s not there today. It’s pretty obvious she’s seen me cuz she’s walking right towards the bench swing, she hasn’t really acknowledged me yet though. Finally she’s in front of me and looks up.

“Hey.” “Hi there.” She sits down. And then there is silence. Now I know something’s wrong. Apart from her fame for never being tardy, she is also known for being quite the chatterbox. “What’s up?” She shrugs, and then turns her face towards me. It’s only once she looks at me that I get what’s wrong.

She’s done it again. She didn’t have to say the words to tell me that she did her eyes say it all. It pains me to look into them. I see shame, fear, guilt, sadness, brokenness, and even a little bit of frustration. Remember when I said we all have those little things we have to deal with? Well, she has hers too. Unfortunately, her’s can be addicting.

I don’t exactly know what to think. She said she’d stopped, so I’m a little confused. Something must have happened that drove her to resort to this. But then again, is that an excuse? She’s changed so much, and I know she had turned her back on this, why would she willingly return? It’s something I can’t comprehend at the moment. I’m not angry at her, if anything I’m hurt. No she didn’t hurt me, she hurt herself, and that’s worse.

We stare at each other for one breathless minute before tears well up in her eyes and spill out onto her cheeks. Then the sobbing starts, and it’s a matter of seconds before she’s doubled over in frustrated hysteria. I try to pull her up and into my arms for a tight hug. Once I’ve got her there all she can say is “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I’m taken back. “Don’t apologize to me. It’s yourself you’re hurting. Not me.” She continues to cry cuz she realizes I’m right. What I said was true, and from the sound of her crying, I think it’s sinking in. She knows what she did was wrong.

While I’m holding her as close as I possibly can my mind is whirling. I can’t fix or undo anything she’s done, nor can I make her feel better. No words of comfort or even encouragement would do any good right now. All I can do in this moment is be there and do two things. One, I’ll hold her close and tight till the crying’s done. And two, I’ll pray my heart out.

I didn’t say this to her, but if I find the right moment, I will. “The only thing that hurts me right now is watching you hurt yourself. That hurts more than anything. And I pray that God will give you the strength to stop.”

Posted by Amy G. In: lov, paper, weight, Why?, worried

Crumpled

For almost two days now I've been carrying around a piece of regular notebook paper in my pocket. It's folded multiple times and is starting to fray because it's rubbed up against my pants. I've come this close to crumpling it *makes small gesture with hand*. Why? Or better yet, why DON'T I?

Answer? It's got words on it. I wrote them. Some how I think the words are important. They are important to me even though they are nothing but a desperate ramble of what was on my heart two nights ago.

Will I ever say the words out loud? Let me put it this way, the reason I wrote them was because I couldn't find the courage and strength to say them aloud in the first place. I want to though, say them out loud that is, very much.

The paper is sitting on my nightstand, and will be in my pocket all week long. Unless of course, I absent mindedly leave it at home. Then I will have to say the words for myself, and not what's on that piece of paper.

Posted by Amy G. In: brain, cold, forgiveness, hurt, stupid, thick, weight, Why?, wronged

Am I too late?

It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"

Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.

Ever feel stupid? Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity. Here they are.

Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people. Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful. What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window.

Really?

Yeah. Been there. Done that.

Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial. Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no. FAIL.

That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.

Check please on MY "Failure to communicate".

What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did. As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on. I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me. There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough. Memories don't exactly die hard. You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore. They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation. And that is the truth.

As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me. Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this." I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not. Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.

This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts. It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.