The Artistic Underground: brain

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Posted by Amy G. In: brain, deep, heart, thoughts

Hear Myself Think

Another late night ramble by yours truly. Enjoy. :)
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People might say one’s crazy for calling the top of a sky scraper “the one place you can hear yourself think.” Um, if you’ve lived in a city before then you know for a fact it’s not crazy, in fact, it’s not only logical, but CORRECT. There really aren’t any places within a city that you can get away from the noise. For example, here are some not so good options.

One, your own house/apartment. Even though the daily hustle and bustle is blocked out, why would you want to hear yourself think there? Come on, the place where you so call “dwell” is a major distraction when you’re trying to organize your brain. Your brain can often start a thought process, but it will end up wanting to watch TV, eat a snack, facebook stalk people, whatever. Bad idea.

Two, coffee shop or restaurant? Nope. Can you guess why? That’s right. The moment you get deep into thought a familiar but unwelcome at the moment face shows up. Before you know it, the whole world has followed you and does not only decide to sit down at the table you oh so discretely chose way off in the corner, but has the nerve to ask “So what’s been on your mind lately?” Bite me.

Three, the park in the center of town is nice, but still is you guessed it, is in the middle of a city. Plus you have to constantly be aware of your surroundings otherwise you’ll get run over by a biker, runner or heaven forbid, you’ll stumble upon awkward romantic couples trying to find that “private place.”

The only possible way you can get away from all the noise and people is to get high above it all. In this case, that’s the top of a skyscraper. And that’s where I am currently sitting.

Nightfall is the ideal time to come up here because the city transforms into another universe. The air is cooler, the noise is quieter, the smell is sweeter, and the lights shinning off of all the other buildings make you feel like you’re actually sitting amongst the stars. It’s peaceful, and I love it.

Now I can finally hear myself think. The twinkling lights and cool breeze get my thoughts moving, and I can connect dots that I haven’t been able to get for days.

Ah...You want to know what I’m thinking about don’t you? Well you’ve come this far, I guess I can give you a little glimpse of what’s going on inside this noggin of mine. Ever had one of those moments where you felt you were just out of place? Er, let me rephrase that. It’s kind of like, you were apart of something and then you realized you weren’t needed? It didn’t necessarily make you feel bad, hurt or even shunned, it just felt...weird? Yeah well, that’s what I’m thinking about. More like sorting it out is the thing. I’ll sort it out, it’s nothing really.

All I care about right now is that I am the only one at the top of this building and no one can bother me. I wish I could describe what I feel when I look across this city I’ve come to love and call home. It’s a warmth that’s glorious and it brings back so many memories. The warmth is like hot water though, it feels good at first but if it gets too hot it hurts. What I mean is, this place has a special place in my heart, and it if it’s taken away from me, I don’t think I could bear it. It would hurt too much.

Gah, I’m off track, that’s what my mind does when I can actually sit down and think about what’s going on.

I’ll be up here for awhile, so please don’t wait up for me. No, I won’t stay up here all night, although that’s so tempting. I just need to stay up here long enough to hear myself think.

Posted by Amy G. In: brain, cold, forgiveness, hurt, stupid, thick, weight, Why?, wronged

Am I too late?

It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"

Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.

Ever feel stupid? Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity. Here they are.

Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people. Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful. What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window.

Really?

Yeah. Been there. Done that.

Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial. Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no. FAIL.

That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.

Check please on MY "Failure to communicate".

What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did. As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on. I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me. There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough. Memories don't exactly die hard. You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore. They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation. And that is the truth.

As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me. Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this." I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not. Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.

This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts. It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.