The Artistic Underground: February 2012

Posted by Amy G. In: facade, forgiveness, mask

Facade

Facade: A superficial appearance or illusion to something. (Dictionary.com)

All of us wear a facade at some point. It is with great regret that I admit to wearing one every now and then. To make things worse, I wear this facade around certain people. The facade is worn to ward of confrontation and disagreement. I'm tired of wearing it. For so long now, I've wanted to tear off the mask and say what needs to be said.

It's important, really it is. I'm searching for an opportunity to remove my facade. Once I do, the words coming out of my mouth will be...

Posted by Amy G. In: hurt, stupid, thoughts, tired, wronged

I'm thinking too hard to come up with an awesome "Title"

I am about to make myself very clear on a few things, and I need to get them off my chest cuz they are bugging me. No, I'm not hating on anyone, it's just frustrating. Tell me what you think, I'd be interested to know.

Ok here we go.

First of all, I cannot understand why people insist in continuing an abusive friendship. Seriously! I have observed this recently where one person constantly bully's the other and I cannot help but wonder why this person lets themselves be bossed around by a peer. To put this in more understandable terms, think of an extreme Laurel and Hardy or Abbot and Costello. Does that make more sense?

Now in my mind, it's natural to think "But I love them, and I consider them a friend and they don't mean it." My response to that is "If they didn't mean it, then why do they say it ALL THE TIME. Why do they constantly push you around? If you really consider them a friend, then you would not let your self be put down by them as often as you do. If they treat you like this, chances are they treat others that way too. It would appear you are doing both yourself and your 'friend' a disservice." That's just what I think though. I personally do not care for "coarse jesting" (hopefully I'm not butchering that phrase). In my opinion, I find it disheartening and demeaning. Friends joke with each other on a certain level, but when you keep doing it over and over again, it can be too much. Again, this frustrates me because I am currently observing this happen with someone else. I cannot step in and say what I think, but there are days I wish I could.

Second, I'm finding it difficult to watch others get opportunities and chances that I wanted so badly. It's kind of like the phrase "playing second fiddle". Please don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life with many great things going for me. There are however a few instances where I hoped something would happen and it didn't. I got the "second fiddle" position. The only way I can say this is...

I'm tired of watching others play.
I may say "It doesn't matter or hurt."
It does hurt more than I care to admit.
And I'd like it to end please.

........Wow....french fries and a chocolate shake sounds really good right now. Then again, so does a nap.

Ironically after I finished writing this, 10 minutes later, I am watching Survivor and I can't help but think....IRONIC. AND HILARIOUS. ;)

Posted by Amy G. In: guilt, stupid, thoughts, time, Why?

Ridiculous Crimes

Guess who had an idea around 1:45am and HAD to write it down? Yup. Gotta love after Midnight creativity. ;)
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Dear...huh, I guess I never thought about who these “journal entries” are written to...I guess I’ll go with...

Dear random sheet of scrap paper I found lying in my sketch book,

I have a confession to make. I have committed a crime. Yes, me. Can you believe it? Alright, I know you think I’m being funny, but I’m serious, I’ve committed a crime! I stole something! What did I steal? Uh...well, it’s complicated to explain actually, and I’m not quite sure how to put this but...I stole time.

Yes, you read that correctly. I. Stole. Time. It is in fact possible to do, so I have discovered. Although, before you go assuming things, I am not going around stealing minutes and numbers from various clocks, watches and iGadgets packed with digital goodness. No, I stole time from a person. Well...not just one person, but two.

I know I’m sorry I’m confusing you, let me try and explain this a little better. When I say I stole time from two people, I’m referring to the “time” I stole that they were supposed to have for each other. Does that make sense? No? Crap. Let me try something else.

Here we go. Picture this, A, B and C all know each other. A sees B and C on a regular basis and as a result spends a good amount of “time” with both, leaving B and C no time to spend with each other. Make sense now? Good. I thought that would help things along.

As I write, I feel like I’m treating this whole matter with a sarcastic flair. Maybe I’m doing that because I don’t want to address the fact that I really have stolen valuable time from two people I care about a lot. It is a whacked out feeling for sure, and I’m not even positive it’s a valid one. What I do know, however, is that I definitely feel like I have taken something that really isn’t mine. There’s a part of me that says it isn’t my fault because every person decides what they do with their own time. So for me to say that I stole someone’s time is a little ridiculous, because they chose to spend their time on me in the first place...On the other hand though...a lot of that time was spent with me...And when it is expressed that time spent with another is desired, you can’t help but think “Am I in the way?”

Hmm...you know what, I’m probably over exaggerating this beyond what it needs to be and yeah right now it’s a bit dumb. I’m not in the way at all. Then again, if I’m not in the way, why does this sense of guilt keep nagging me?

Ah, I get it now. It’s past one in the morning, and generally, things don’t make any sense at this point. So time for bed. I’ll continue this conversation another time.

Goodnight!

-Goodgreif,doireallyneedtosignmyname?youknowwhoiam!

Posted by Amy G. In: bound, conversations, guilt, hurt, weight

I Hurt, Because You Hurt

My brain is being very active right now. So enjoy it :)
__________________________________________

She’s late. And that’s not like her. Well, in most cases it’s not. Although for some reason, I’m not surprised she’s late, especially after that text last night. “Can we talk tomorrow? Please?” “Yes. Of course. You ok?” “I’ll be fine.”

If you want to really worry your friends, then send them a vague text such as “I’ll be fine.” You can imagine how well I slept that night. My friend doesn’t have any problems...well, big one’s that is. I mean there are a few things here and there, but who doesn’t have them? I have my little things that I have to deal with every now and then, so it’s nothing new. Still, I was worried.

We decided to meet at the park, it’s a nice generic place where hopefully we won’t run into anyone we know. Something tells me we will want to be alone for this conversation. I arrive at 3:47pm. I’m early and that’s rare for me. I usually show up five minutes before meet time. Since I’m early, I decide to sit on the bench swing and wait. 4:00pm rolls around and I’m watching for her. Any minute now she should be strolling around the corner. 4:05pm, still no show. At 4:10pm I pull out my phone to see if she texted or called me. Nope, no new messages. 4:20pm...again no show. 4:26pm...Now I’m getting concerned. I’m about to call when I see her round the corner of the park.

She’s walking slowly, almost in a shuffle and her head’s down. Huh, that’s funny. That girl’s usually got a swagger. It’s not there today. It’s pretty obvious she’s seen me cuz she’s walking right towards the bench swing, she hasn’t really acknowledged me yet though. Finally she’s in front of me and looks up.

“Hey.” “Hi there.” She sits down. And then there is silence. Now I know something’s wrong. Apart from her fame for never being tardy, she is also known for being quite the chatterbox. “What’s up?” She shrugs, and then turns her face towards me. It’s only once she looks at me that I get what’s wrong.

She’s done it again. She didn’t have to say the words to tell me that she did her eyes say it all. It pains me to look into them. I see shame, fear, guilt, sadness, brokenness, and even a little bit of frustration. Remember when I said we all have those little things we have to deal with? Well, she has hers too. Unfortunately, her’s can be addicting.

I don’t exactly know what to think. She said she’d stopped, so I’m a little confused. Something must have happened that drove her to resort to this. But then again, is that an excuse? She’s changed so much, and I know she had turned her back on this, why would she willingly return? It’s something I can’t comprehend at the moment. I’m not angry at her, if anything I’m hurt. No she didn’t hurt me, she hurt herself, and that’s worse.

We stare at each other for one breathless minute before tears well up in her eyes and spill out onto her cheeks. Then the sobbing starts, and it’s a matter of seconds before she’s doubled over in frustrated hysteria. I try to pull her up and into my arms for a tight hug. Once I’ve got her there all she can say is “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I’m taken back. “Don’t apologize to me. It’s yourself you’re hurting. Not me.” She continues to cry cuz she realizes I’m right. What I said was true, and from the sound of her crying, I think it’s sinking in. She knows what she did was wrong.

While I’m holding her as close as I possibly can my mind is whirling. I can’t fix or undo anything she’s done, nor can I make her feel better. No words of comfort or even encouragement would do any good right now. All I can do in this moment is be there and do two things. One, I’ll hold her close and tight till the crying’s done. And two, I’ll pray my heart out.

I didn’t say this to her, but if I find the right moment, I will. “The only thing that hurts me right now is watching you hurt yourself. That hurts more than anything. And I pray that God will give you the strength to stop.”

Posted by Amy G. In: brain, deep, heart, thoughts

Hear Myself Think

Another late night ramble by yours truly. Enjoy. :)
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People might say one’s crazy for calling the top of a sky scraper “the one place you can hear yourself think.” Um, if you’ve lived in a city before then you know for a fact it’s not crazy, in fact, it’s not only logical, but CORRECT. There really aren’t any places within a city that you can get away from the noise. For example, here are some not so good options.

One, your own house/apartment. Even though the daily hustle and bustle is blocked out, why would you want to hear yourself think there? Come on, the place where you so call “dwell” is a major distraction when you’re trying to organize your brain. Your brain can often start a thought process, but it will end up wanting to watch TV, eat a snack, facebook stalk people, whatever. Bad idea.

Two, coffee shop or restaurant? Nope. Can you guess why? That’s right. The moment you get deep into thought a familiar but unwelcome at the moment face shows up. Before you know it, the whole world has followed you and does not only decide to sit down at the table you oh so discretely chose way off in the corner, but has the nerve to ask “So what’s been on your mind lately?” Bite me.

Three, the park in the center of town is nice, but still is you guessed it, is in the middle of a city. Plus you have to constantly be aware of your surroundings otherwise you’ll get run over by a biker, runner or heaven forbid, you’ll stumble upon awkward romantic couples trying to find that “private place.”

The only possible way you can get away from all the noise and people is to get high above it all. In this case, that’s the top of a skyscraper. And that’s where I am currently sitting.

Nightfall is the ideal time to come up here because the city transforms into another universe. The air is cooler, the noise is quieter, the smell is sweeter, and the lights shinning off of all the other buildings make you feel like you’re actually sitting amongst the stars. It’s peaceful, and I love it.

Now I can finally hear myself think. The twinkling lights and cool breeze get my thoughts moving, and I can connect dots that I haven’t been able to get for days.

Ah...You want to know what I’m thinking about don’t you? Well you’ve come this far, I guess I can give you a little glimpse of what’s going on inside this noggin of mine. Ever had one of those moments where you felt you were just out of place? Er, let me rephrase that. It’s kind of like, you were apart of something and then you realized you weren’t needed? It didn’t necessarily make you feel bad, hurt or even shunned, it just felt...weird? Yeah well, that’s what I’m thinking about. More like sorting it out is the thing. I’ll sort it out, it’s nothing really.

All I care about right now is that I am the only one at the top of this building and no one can bother me. I wish I could describe what I feel when I look across this city I’ve come to love and call home. It’s a warmth that’s glorious and it brings back so many memories. The warmth is like hot water though, it feels good at first but if it gets too hot it hurts. What I mean is, this place has a special place in my heart, and it if it’s taken away from me, I don’t think I could bear it. It would hurt too much.

Gah, I’m off track, that’s what my mind does when I can actually sit down and think about what’s going on.

I’ll be up here for awhile, so please don’t wait up for me. No, I won’t stay up here all night, although that’s so tempting. I just need to stay up here long enough to hear myself think.

Posted by Amy G. In: friends, heart, time

Every Minute

This is kinda what I'm thinkin' lately.

Again, thank you Sara Groves.
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Every Minute by Sara Groves

I am long on staying
I am slow to leave
Especially when it comes to you my friend
You have taught me to slow down
And to prop up my feet
It's the fine art of being who I am

And I can't figure out
Why you want me around
I'm not the smartest person I have ever met
But somehow that doesn't matter
No it never really mattered to you at all

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me

And I can think of time when families all lived together
Four generations in one house
And the table was full of good food
And friends and neighbors
That's not how we like it now

Cause if you sit at home you're a loser
Couldn't you find anything better to do
Well no I couldn't think of one thing
I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me

And I wish all the people I love the most
Could gather in one place
And know each other and love each other well

And I wish we could all go camping
And lay beneath the stars
And have nothing to do and stories to tell
We'd sit around the campfire
And we'd make each other laugh remembering when
You're the first one I'm inviting
Always know that you're invited, my friend

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me
Every moment and every minute that you'll give me
Every moment and every minute that you'll give me
Every minute

The Artistic Underground: February 2012

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