As I currently sit on my lovely, soft warm bed surrounded by my two huge wolf stuffies (yes, I still sleep with stuffed animals), soothing music, I breathe out a happy sigh.

I find it interesting that even when you have a hard day, things ALWAYS look up, no matter how dark the situation may be.  My day didn't start off so great.  We are currently in the middle of tech for our One Acts Festival, of which I play the dual role of Director and Lighting Designer for two.  Everything went smoothly for both my techs.  The road leading to that smoothness had a quite a few bumps though.  I mean what road doesn't right? Needless to say, there were moments where I didn't know what the heck I was going to do about a few things, but in the end, a solution presented itself.

Well...actually, the Father presented a solution.  It was one of those moments I really thought I was not going to make it.  Anxiety, sadness, fear, all the typical emotions gripped my mind and heart for a brief time, until I surrendered everything to the only One who provides a rescue.  :)  What a relief it was to know that, although hidden at the present time, a solution was on the horizon.  Twenty minutes later, the sun rose, the choir sang and all was well. :)

From there everything went skyward.  And now I am just thinking about some of the lovely, wonderful blessings that currently warm my heart.  Here are some examples.

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Beautiful music reminding me that I am watched over constantly by a protective pair of eyes...


Recorded laughs and giggles from silly mishaps and awkward statements...


Cuddly stuffed animals...


Warm chocolately, pepperminty Christmas drinks from my favorite local coffee shop...


The smell of the Holidays...


Encouragement notes from a dear friend...


Pumpkin Spice muffins...


Boarding passes for a flight home...


The anticipation a family gathering...


Finding a really cool Kappa Delta Epsilon coin in the parking lot...


A favorite movie trailer...


Warm clothes fresh out of the dryer...


Hiding in the corners of Barnes and Noble and reading aloud childhood stories with a best friend...


Hugs and kisses from a beloved...


Saying "I love you" to someone you hold near and dear....and hearing it in return...

It's one of those moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button, take back every hurtful word and unhelpful deed you've done to someone you care about deeply, that you find your head in your hands and a dense gap inside that matches the question "Why, how...and will?"


Welcome to what's been inside my brain recently.  


Ever feel stupid?  Like ok, I'm currently pondering two levels of stupidity.  Here they are. 


Number 1: Actually doing stupid, dumb things that hurt other people.  Things like, getting angry, or letting your mouth run with words that are hurtful.  What you don't realize is in those moments where you're doing the thing you don't want to do, you are deaf, dumb and blind to everything else in your life. For one moment of "just" satisfaction you will toss all the good out the window. 


Really? 


Yeah. Been there. Done that. 


Number 2: Being thick enough to not pick up on signs that people give you that indicate "Not now, please." It's one of those things where you think offering help to others will be beneficial.  Talk it out, be a "good ear"... Um, no.  FAIL.  


That's just more embarrassing really, and it smarts a bit when you realize that you gave someone the exact OPPOSITE of what they needed in a off moment.  


Check please on MY "Failure to communicate". 




What's worse is that now I have to LIVE with the stupid things I did.  As far as hurting other people goes, all I can do is ask their forgiveness, and if they won't give it, then I must (and will) move on.  I can (and have) forgiven myself, more importantly though, God has forgiven me.  There are those days, however, where you still remember what you did and it's tough.  Memories don't exactly die hard.  You constantly have to remind yourself that the person who did those dumb things does not exist anymore.  They are gone and what's in place is a wonderful New Creation.  And that is the truth. 


As for being "thick", I can only hope that God instills some common sense in me.  Either that, or He will just give me a better ear for which to hear the Holy Spirit saying "Hey, wait on this."  I thought I had been doing better with that...I guess not.  Although right now, I still feel stupid. It's not like I can go up to whomever and say sorry, I mean, who apologizes for trying to be helpful? No, I think the best course of action is to step back, keep my eyes open, and my mouth shut.   

This feels like a dense, cold weight slowly slipping and pressing down on my insides, and it hurts.  It hurts because I hurt people I care about deeply, and there's nothing I can do to retrieve that action, that intention, those words.

Boundaries. Contraints. Limits.

These are words that should NEVER be in an artist's vocabulary.  In some respects, it would be a heinous crime for an artist to use such language.  Art represents the ingenious beauty of the Creator of Creators.  To inherit the talent to create art is a Gift not to be taken lightly.  In your hands lies a power not everyone can comprehend or understand.

As an artist, you are...

given the ability to portray human emotion at it's most beautiful and raw form...
able to see beyond the surface of humanity and explore the depths...
creating a universal language that the heart speaks...
allowed to break all boundaries and push limits...
born with the talent to represent and recreate the mind of the Artists of Artists...

With such a Gift in your hands, I hope and pray you do not squander away what you have.  Be you an actor, poet, visual artist, musician, novelist, sculpture, dramatist, designer, singer, dancer...the list goes on...Use the talent you have.  Never stifle it or let it be constrained by what the world says is "acceptable".  Who cares what is "acceptable"?

Free your mind.  Be yourself.  Create.

I found this song by Vitas, a vocal artist with an incredible falsetto! I love this song and music video.  It reminds me of that freedom that artists find when they are discovering, exploring and creating.  There is such a freedom in that process.  This is what artistic freedom sounds like to me.

I'm so grateful for the forgiveness of others, and especially God...I'm forever grateful that I have received it, even when I didn't deserve it.

To all who have forgiven me, thank you.

Forgive me now 'cause I have been unfaithful
Don't ask me why 'cause I don't know
So many times I've tried but was unable
This heart belongs to You alone

Now I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven

All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven

Forgive me I'm ashamed, I've loved another
I can't explain 'cause I don't know
No one can take Your place and there is no other
Forever Yours and Yours alone

Now I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven

All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven

I get down on my knees
Feel Your love wash over me
There will never be another
You're the only one forever
And You know, I'm Yours alone

I'm in our secret place
Alone in Your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven

All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times You were denied
You have forgiven

You have forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven


-Forgiven; Skillet 

For those of  you who have ready Harry Potter (and are Potter nerds like myself) try and imagine this: A Wizard Duel that takes place via text message. I know it sounds crazy, but apparently it has happened. Oh yes.  The following conversation is an actual documentation of a wizard battle that took place via text message.

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Today is one of those days where my brain is whirring, ticking and clinking away like one of **Willy Wonka's Candy Making Machines. Sometimes I think that's because I am a theatre major and my brain is focusing on about 5 bajillion things at once.

I love theatre, hence why I am studying the art of it...theatre that is.  I don't have a preference in theatre, I love to work in every aspect of it.  Sound, sets, props, directing, stage managing...and speaking of which, one of the great things about being a theatre major is that we get to do all those things, and (conveniently or not) all at the same time.  Want to hear the jobs I have right now?  Here is goes...

1. Sound Designer for a student Senior Project
2. Lighting Designer for a One Act Play
3. Director for a (different) One Act Play
4. Deck Stage Manager for a Main Stage play at my college
5. Director for an Acting 1 scene

That's just a basic list.  I'm also working on a scenic painting project for Tech Resources, more Sound Design projects for my Sound Design class, and oh yeah, when it comes time to build sets and that sort of thing, I will probably lend a hand there as well. :)

Wow, after having typed all that out, I have a strange sudden want for a cup of coffee...I may just have to put this into action.

:)

**If you want to know what one of those sounds like, go look up "Main Titles" from Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  The composer is Danny Elfman.

So I'll say this, most of my life I've never really had an eye for fashion.  I was tomboy growing up and, as a kid, my wardrobe consisted of basketball shorts, sneakers, t-shirts...you get the idea.  You had to practically yank my teeth out to get me to wear my hair down or, heaven forbid, a dress. (Just ask my mother.  Combing my hair out was WWIII.) Ok, I do exaggerate, the point is, if it was comfortable and didn't have pink on it, it was in my closet.

The tomboy stage left (finally!! I think losing weight definitely helped) and a whole new world opened up! FASHION.  Yes it actually existed.  Stores now held a myriad of options for me! Blouses, sweaters, skirts, slacks, dress jeans, SHOES, purses and jewelry suddenly began catching my eye.  With the help of my mother I rebuilt my entire wardrobe.  So, while I still have an odd fondness for dingy sweats and baggy hoodies, I can now officially look at my wardrobe and say "Tres Chic".  That's French for "Very fashionable."

This new view of fashion has gotten me interested in the fashion industry.  Every aspect from clothes, design and modeling has become a random area of study for me.  Hence why Project Runway is my new favorite TV show.  I've come to realize that when you watch shows like PR, you learn a lot.  I've learned that certain patterns and colors clash, or what it takes to make a good fitting pant.  It's really fun to watch, and I feel like I learn something new about fashion design (and the people working in the fashion industry) every time I watch PR.  I must say though, I've become a bit of a stickler with my opinions.  Let me say this, I'm picky about what I like/see on the Runway.  If I don't care for it, I make darn sure you KNOW.   I blame Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn for this mindset.

My picky opinions aside, I really enjoy looking at fashion.  I watched "The Devil Wears Prada" today and was reminded of how intricate and crazy that world is.  That movie is great, if you haven't seen it, shame on you.  Go grab some snacks (grilled cheese goes well with this one), Netflix it, and watch it.  Tis a great flick.  :)


One thing I do not care for about the fashion industry is it's lack of modesty.  I mean, have you seen the models that walk the runway recently?  While they are fantastic at what they do and I have respect for them, I do not necessarily endorse the amount of skin they show.  Did the big kahuna's in the fashion world consider the image they are putting forth to younger girls?  Of course they did, hence why 8 year olds are now looking 13.  Something tells me that isn't normal.  Then again, what is normal?  ....I'll answer that when I actually know what normal is.

While the fashion industry may not be big on role models right now, rest assured there are indeed such individuals who endorse modesty.  Some have even gone far enough to call modest the new "sexy".  Sound familiar? Cue Emma Watson (formerly Hermione Granger)! She is someone I would like to call a "Big Sister Example".  Girls look up to her in so many ways, and I think she's quite brilliant.  Check out this quote and picture of Emma Watson.